Life Can Be Hard

Yesterday was a difficult day for my family. It was the 12 year anniversary of the day our son died of SIDS. In many ways it seems like longer, in many ways it seems like it all happened yesterday. I can still so easily picture the events of that morning, the day that my entire world came crashing down around me and I joined the parents club that no one wants to be a part of, the day I became a mother who had to bury her child. Its always amazing to me, however, the way that God gives us exactly what we need when we need it. We went to church yesterday and in our Sunday school class, the lesson was about God and how although we don't often understand, He always does what is best for us and His outcome is the right one in a situation. The teacher stressed how that is difficult to understand sometimes when we lose a loved one to death or when other bad things happen, but he said that one day we will understand. When we stand before the Lord, we can ask him all of the "why's" that we have lived for years with. That is a comforting thought to me to think that one day, not only will I be able to hold my precious baby once more, but I will be able to look at my Heavenly Father and ask him to help me understand why Cody was taken from us. Except for the somberness of yesterday, we had a good weekend. We went to see "Fireproof" at movies on Friday night, and it is a movie that I highly recommend! It made me laugh alot but it also made me cry. If you, or anyone you know, is experiencing marital problems, go!!! My hubby and I aren't, but it was still a movie that you can't help but see and question how you can strive to be a better spouse. I have weigh-in at Curves on Thursday so this will be a week to make sure to stay on track and not splurge. My mom is trying some new recipes and has invited us to eat tonight so I'll have to watch my calories today in order to account for that. Also only plan to have small portions of the new dishes. So far, this weight maintenance is going quite well. I wish I could say that I stay the same weight every day, but that isn't the case. I tend to gain over the weekend, or when we go away for mini-trips, and then get back on track during the weekdays to get back to my base weight. BUT I stay within the weight range I set for myself (125-135). While I'm sure it would be better to be 127 all the time without fail...I figure if I slip up closer to 135 but then get back on track and back to the lower weight soon after, then I'm doing great. I just know that I will NEVER again be overweight!!! I will never again let myself go!! I love the way I feel, the way I look, the energy that I have, and while many people HATE their scales, I see mine as one of my best friends. It is a little box that will be honest with me and keep me on track with my maintenance...I can step on it and know if I can afford to splurge a little or if I need to stick tightly to my calorie allowance. The numbers don't lie. I got in trouble last time I'd lost weight because when life fell apart after the hurricane, and I no longer had the scale to be accountable to, I gained it all back. Now I make myself weigh every morning that I am home so I physically see those numbers and cannot be in denial. If I splurge over the weekend or on a trip, I know that the scale will not be so kind on Monday morning. But seeing those numbers gives me the incentive to get back on track and back to the lower part of my "range". Accountability...I htink its what we all need in our journey!

Seeing Myself with Blinders On

Strange title, isn't it? But I say that because at least for me, it is often so true. When I was at my heaviest weight (277), I KNEW that I was overweight. I KNEW that I was really overweight. But I could for some reason look in the mirror and not THINK that I looked as big as I did. And then I would see one of those rare pictures that I tried to avoid being taken and reality would slap me in the face with a 2X4. I would immediately start thinking how I couldn't believe I really looked like that. My mirror didn't seem to reflect it, but those darn photos sure did. And now I find myself at the opposite end of the spectrum, at my goal weight. I look in the mirror now and I like what I see much better, but I don't see the really skinny woman that everyone else SAYS that I am. While I saw myself as smaller when I was overweight, I now see myself as bigger now that I'm at a healthy weight. Not to the point of how you read that some people still see themselves as fat. No, I certainly don't see that. Heck, maybe I should chalk it up to my mind being in denial. Yes, that makes sense. Before I was in denial that I was almost 300 pounds, that I was one person taking up more space that TWO normal weight women would use. Now maybe my mind is still in denial that I have finally reached my goal and am finally at a healthy weight. Who knows. As I said, I look in the mirror and I like what I see now. I enjoy having photos taken now. Gasp at the mere thought! lol But sometimes it still catches me off guard when people show appreciation for how I look again. I spent so much time being overweight, being used to avoiding attention, that it takes me by surprise when someone goes out of their way to whistle or yell at me when I'm out walking on the trail or when I go out to get the mail. Heck, one day I was stopped at a stoplight and the guy next to me honked his horn and got me to roll down the window so his male passenger could tell me I was beautiful. While I am happily married and only have eyes for my loving husband, it does add a little spring to my step when these sorts of things happen. I tell my husband that it shocks me when it happens and he just smiles and tells me I better get used to it. lol Have you noticed that as you lose weight, you are enjoying the attention and appreciation of others rather than trying to avoid it at all costs like you used to? Do you have magic mirrors in your home like I do that make it difficult to see yourself as others do?

Squash Pizza

When I first found the idea for making the "pizza" with pattypan squash, I was thrilled. I love pizza and was beside myself with the idea of being able to eat a really healthy, low calorie one. Hubby and I made them for lunch today...the first time I've ever used the broiler feature on my oven. The recipe had said to put the shelf on the highest level which I have now realized is not accurate...they started to burn and also by the end had set off my smoke alarm. A fact which cracked my 11 year old up. But not to be swayed, we scraped the burnt part off the top to give them a try. My hubby took a bite and looked as if he wanted to gag...literally. Have to give him credit, he did end up eating two of them before throwing in the towel and making himself something else. He said its a recipe he'd never ask me to make. I thought they tasted okay, while certainly not fantastic. I ended up eating all 3 of my small ones and a couple of bites of a fourth one. Even with that, the calories I consumed are extremely low. Anyway, I ate them and thought okay, I probably won't ever do it again but at least I know I don't really care for them now. However, now about 30 minutes later, I KNOW that I won't make them again. My stomach is rebelling and just feels yucky! Not to the point of being sick to my stomach but just feel miserable. I guess its just the mixture of all the stuff, but whatever it was, it won't happen again. lol Tonight I'll be making a recipe hubby and I have tried to re-create from a delicious lunch we had last weekend in Nashville...seafood stuffed baked potatoes. They are amazing! Shrimp, crab meat, mushrooms, and sauce mixture put over baked potatoes. Yum! This will definitely make up for the crash & burn of lunch. After enjoying that meal, the family will be going on our weekly 5 mile walk together which I am looking forward to doing. Also bought some tennis balls when I went shopping earlier and we're going to start teaching the girls to play tennis. I'm sure that will be interesting! I hope each of you have weekend and I continue to pray for the safety of the people in Texas!

After Picture As Some Have Requested =D

As requested, here is a larger "after" picture.

Good Week

It's been a very good week of being back on target with my meals after splurging all weekend in Nashville. I have managed to stay away from those yummy pralines we brought back other than taking one bite of hubby's last night after dinner. I have a little over 1 pound left to lose and I'll be back to pre-weekend weight, so not too shabby. I am looking forward to a new dish tomorrow night for supper. We're having our family night where we play games with the kiddies and we're going to make homemade pizzas. The kids will do their own but then hubby and I are going to try something I saw in a magazine. You use the patty pan squash and slice them to about 1/4 inch thick. Broil them for about 5-10 minutes. Put your desired toppings on them and broil another 5 to 10 minutes. We're going to try to make taco pizza with them. Sounds very strange but who knows, it may be delicious. At worst, we'll throw them in the trash and find something else to eat. Hopefully we'll love them as this will be such a low calorie "pizza" choice for us. I'll let you know how that creation goes. Hubby has lost all of the weight that he gained over our trip so he was a happy little camper. He is back at his lowest point in about 10 years now (217) so I reminded him to be really good this weekend and maybe he'll see the scale creep even lower. I am so proud of him! My prayers go out to any of you in the path of Hurricane Ike this weekend. Please be careful and take precautions to protect yourself and your family. Possessions can be replaced (as I well know) but your family cannot.

Anniversary Thoughts

Today is my 15th wedding anniversary! So much has happened in that time and its amazing how much I have changed over the years. When Gary and I married, I was 19 years old (almost 20) and immediately changed from the role of living at home with mom & dad and having no financial responsibilities at all, to the role of Navy wife with a husband who was stationed on a ship that spent more time at sea than at home. When we married, I weighed about 132 pounds if I recall correctly and was in wonderful shape. But I think I fell into a vicious cycle of being home alone so often and eating while watching tv, or going out to eat too often with friends. Then came baby #1 and the associated pregnancy weight gain. After we had Jessica, her brother Cody came along just 15 months later. No real time to lose all the baby weight before being pregnant again. After Cody was born, we also got out of the Navy and relocated to Florida which brought more life changes. But then perhaps the biggest life changing experience happened just 2 1/2 months after his birth, when we lost our precious son to SIDS. My entire world was shattered. Having Jessica helped us to get thru the days because we knew that we HAD to do it for her. I got pregnant with our daughter Kayla immediately (not planned but most definitely a blessing) and she was born 1 year and 4 days after her brother. Obviously having 3 children back to back was a recipe for disaster with my weight. I never had time to let my body bounce back from a pregnancy before another blessing was on the way. lol Then came falling into the habit of eating horribly and having those late night "second suppers" is what I have lovingly come to call them. Gary and I both kept gaining weight. While I wasn't happy with how I looked, I obviously didn't seem to mind it enough to do anything about it. In 2003 I did get motivated and started a diet and exercise routine. I lost down to 162 pounds and felt great. But then life fell apart again when our area took a horrible hit in Sept. 2004 from Hurricane Ivan. We lost our home and most everything in it, everything that was outside in sheds, yard, and also both vehicles. We moved in with my parents for nearly 2 years along with my grandfather who also lost all he had. There were 7 people and 9 dogs living in a 1500 SF home. Again healthy eating went out the window and we found ourselves turning to those comfort foods (making brownies or cookies or cinnamon rolls every night, high calorie meals). While I could eat healthy in my own home, I felt pushed into eating at their home. For instance, if they wanted a snack at night but I said I didn't, they would say they wouldn't eat one either. So I would relent and go eat something I never really wanted. Now I am strong enough to say oh well, that is your choice and let it go. Back then, I caved to the pressure. And that, ladies and gentlemen is what allowed my weight to go right back to 277 as it was when I had started. At least I didn't go higher but heck, 277 is plenty! Once were back in our own home, 4 months later I got back on track and decided enough was enough. I was thrilled that my husband and my parents all got on board with me for our own "Biggest Loser" competition. We all put $50 into a pot and set a 6 month challenge, whoever lost the biggest % of weight at the end, got the $200 to spend as they chose. I won the money but we all won because we all lost weight. I am at goal now, Gary has lost 70 pounds, mom has lost about 70 pounds, and Dad has lost about 12 pounds (he lost more but gained back). Dad has struggled because he loves to eat and doesn't have much will power. But on a positive note, his blood sugar is more under control than it used to be when it stayed at DANGEROUS levels. In looking back over the years, its amazing how life has changed and I have changed with it. I am proud to say that I am so much stronger now than I was before, both emotionally and physically. I weigh less now than when I got married! Love that idea! Do you see those changes in yourself since you began your weight loss journey? Can you look back at your life and see where you went wrong and your weight problems began? I think its important to recognize those things so we can ensure that they never happen again. And I think its important to have some sort of accountability too. Although I am at goal now, I will continue to go to Curves for the rest of my life (God willing I can do so). I say this because I KNOW every month I will be getting on a scale and getting measured by my trainer. I do NOT want to be in a position to have them look at me and ask WHAT HAPPENED this month?? That monthly weigh-in gives me extra encouragement to stay on track with my weight maintenance. When I gained the weight back before, I think it was easier because I no longer had a scale and could not physically SEE the numbers creeping back up. I don't believe I would have let it go so far if I had weighed and had to face those numbers...instead I had the mentality that it wasn't really happening because I didn't know how much I was gaining. Never mind the idea that I kept having to buy larger clothes again. Do you have some sort of accountability set up to help you? Is it a monthly gym weigh-in or WW weigh-ins or do you have a friend that helps you with your goals?

Time to Get Back on Track

My anniversary getaway to Nashville was wonderful just as I'd hoped it would be. While we did do a lot of walking over the course of the trip, we also enjoyed some wonderful meals and desserts. We spent about 6 hours Friday in Opry Mills which is a huge mall that built on the site of what used to be Opryland theme park. Spent way too much money on goodies for the kids but we enjoy spoiling them so thats okay. We ate at a mall buffet for lunch and then my dear husband cooked dinner at the hotel that night. We also were able to get tickets to the Grand Old Opry for Sat. night featuring Loretta Lynn, Jessica Simpson, and Patti Loveless among others. Saturday was spent in downtown Nashville walking around for hours touring the sites. It was such a neat experience to see the Ryman Auditorium (old site of the Grand Old Opry) and we also got to hang out at the Wildhorse Saloon and Coyote Ugly. I am now the proud owner of a "I danced on the bar at Coyote Ugly Saloon in Nashville" t-shirt! My kids keep asking if I did it and I just smile and tell them "what happened in Nashville, stays in Nashville". My 13 year old says she does NOT want to know! 2 years ago I never would have even considered the idea of doing such a thing! What a difference the time has made! We also stumbled on a farmers market downtown that left me full of jealousy wishing we had one close to where we live. The foods were amazing and we bought some but of course I'd love the ability to visit there on a regular basis. We also visited a candy store that specializes in pralines...amaretto, bourbon, and jack daniels, as well as chocolate turtles. We each had one as a little snack and then bought a tin to bring home to share. I plan to freeze most of them to enjoy occasionally as they are very tempting sitting on the counter. I weighed this morning and it showed I was up 5 pounds! Thank goodness I know it wasn't "real"...I mean, the numbers were real but I know that while I did splurge, I didn't eat THAT much. I'm guessing most of it is due to eating saltier foods that usual plus not drinking anywhere near as much water as I normally do on a daily basis. I am hopeful that most of it will be gone within the week, so we'll see. Hubby also showed he was up 5 pounds. Neither of us is concerned and just have the attitude of how much we enjoyed the trip and one another and now its bad to get back on track. How do you handle those steps backward? Do you think its okay and just time to focus back on the path to your goal, or do you get overwhelmed and frustrated and find yourself eating more and making a bad situation even worse? I have always believed how we handle the setbacks is more important that how we handle the positive things. I hope that today each of you will focus on how well you are doing with your own weight loss in spite of an occasional setback, and give yourself permission to enjoy that occasional splurge. It's what will keep you sane and focused on the "long haul".